Wednesday, November 12, 2008


life still feels like I'm looking through empty pint glasses for goggles. I've been reading so many posts, articles, blogs, scrolls, and parchments about SSCXWC that you'd think I'd have my story straight. But it's no where close to making sense right now. Reading other people's accounts has only clouded my memories of what I saw and did, that I might be blending in other people's stories to create a magical tale that is only lacking leprechauns right now.

So today I turned to my camera for some clarity. After all...if I can't trust my own camera...who can I trust?

Scrolling through the photos I recall that I took absolutely NO PHOTOS of Saturdays time trial. The rain was falling faster and harder than the stock market lately. I do recall setting up a tent. I also recall Team Beer hanging out under my tent. And I remember Team Beer drinking all the beer I had in my car at 10am in the morning. This was verified later by CXMagazine...

The nerve of those Team Beer guys! Anyway...

The ride to the start was awesome. Just what everyone needed to get warmed up before hurling themselves on the snot covered course for 13 minutes. Unfortunately, the 30+minute wait we all had before we started gave us plenty of time to cool down.

The course went up until you were ready to puke. Then you were handed up a shot of Tequila and you really wanted to puke. Then you descended like a tripod around the grease covered corners. Crossed the finish line and prayed you didn't puke.
The top 100 qualified...unfortunately not everyone from Hot Cross Buns qualified.

Fortunately, in true SSCXWC style, they offered other opportunities to qualify. The first being a quick Alley Cat style race around Portland that started at Vanilla and included a stop at Mount Tabor, Voodoo Donut, and someones house to grab a PBR. Upon returning to the studio the donut was inhaled and beer slammed to qualify. (2 more HCB's racers qualified here)

{What a crew...can you spot the Kiss Kross shirt?}
The second way was to be the last person standing in the pub crawl hosted by Team Beer. (I still can't believe they drank it all!) One of our troop thought he could win this...I wish he would have done the Alley Cat...because I saw things that nite that will haunt me forever.

{Sabotage...reunited and it feels soooo good}

The first being Steve Fassbinder showing us all he could use a little "manscaping".
The second was my good friend Higgins receive a birth day lap dance by the biggest Zoo Bomber in Portland.

The third was a Zoo Bomber version of "Chicken". In which 2 hetero males "fight" seductively and try to make their opponent 'turn away'. (I'm still at a loss for words how to properly describe this)

{What not to say to a Team Beer member...while slurring}
{I can drink you under the table!}

Saturday was everything you can imagine and more. It truly is something to be experienced. The "crack" team I assembled was awesome. Their energy and enthusiasm for this was unmatched. Everyone in costume. Everyone participating. Almost everyone either on a RX 1.0, One-Way, or a Rainier...(which THIS girl won at the end of the event(i think she was psyched))
Results...well...we had 2 Hot Cross Buns dressed riders in the top 5. The rest were littered through the results like so many beer cans on the course. And one DQ.

{shouldn't someone be yelling at us about our Freedom?!}

{like lambs to the slaughter}

{How could I be DQ'd!?!?}

{I can hear mechanics everywhere groaning right had to be done!}

I think one of the emails I received summed up the event pretty well.
Maybe it's because you sent Mr. "Munson" over the edge on Sunday. Good lord, it was like trying to corral a 3 year old after a bath. Dude stripped down in the parking lot and was running around trying to clean the mud off of himself with a 5 gallon jug. Not caring who he ran across, or past. Then again G running around in his thong was much, much worse.

I don't know who the "you" is that this email speaks of...but they know who they are and I'm sure the guilt they feel far out ways any punishment they could receive.

To polish off our SSCXWC experience we honkered down in a fine PDX establishment, tried to order Rainiers...but they were out. All they had was Hamm's....hmmmm...I wonder what a Hamm's painted cross bike would look like?

Till next year...


Chunk said...

Just because I had a doppelganger doesn't mean you had to put him into the same world of hurt as me.

Please tell me the poor guy wasn't left for dead somewhere.

BF kemyooter said...

My mom always said it best Chunk...My son doesn't force 'you people' to do that to yourself. You all do it voluntarily. He just happens to be around.

Mr Munson passed out like a little kid who had spent the entire day at an amusement park on the ride home.

Guitar Ted said...

A Hamms themed cross bike? is the Beer Of The Graet North, The Beer Refreshing, From The Land Of Sky Blue Waters.
(Can you tell I saw all the commercials as a kid?)

Since I probably won't score a Ranier cross rig, (Nor deserve one, by the looks of the company here!) I think it incumbent upon yourself to follow through with this most excellent idea.

BF kemyooter said...

Oh Ted...from what I can tell, you are most deserving of a "Bike from Here".
I just wonder how deserving I am of a spot at the start of Trans-Iowa...